


Then Color Me In

by aces_low



Series: It's All Relative [1]
Category: Generation Kill
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, DADT, Developing Relationship, Excessive use of Nate on the phone with people, Explicit Language, First Dates, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romantic Fluff, Sexual Content, playing fast and loose with timelines, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 00:36:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12619128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aces_low/pseuds/aces_low
Summary: But there’s a part of Evan, the part that wanted to become a journalist, the part that decided he wanted to cover the war in Iraq, and the part that decided to stay in Iraq long after anyone else would have gone home, that doesn’t like living with the question of ‘what if?’.So, instead of getting up and walking away, Evan thinks ‘fuck it’.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From my very first watch of Gen Kill I fell in love with the idea that Reporter was definitely in love with Nate, but that was not something Nate would ever notice or reciprocate. Then I started thinking about what would happen if, instead of Evan taking his crush to the grave, he actually asked Nate out. Thus! This fic was born.
> 
> As stated in the tags, I'm playing real fast and loose with the timeline here. 
> 
>  
> 
> The characters shown here are not meant to represent the real men, they are just based on the characters of the HBO show. (Also, Nate's friend written about here is not meant at all a representation of the real guy, just using his name for my own OC).

The chime overhead rings out as Evan enters the coffee shop. 

He scans the mostly empty shop for just a moment before he spots Nate near the window. Nate seems to have already noticed him and begins waving him over, a bright grin on his face.

That smile had caused Evan no small amount of heart palpitations not long ago, and it seems that four months is not enough time for its effect to wane. 

Nate stands as he approaches.

“Evan,” Nate greets, smile wide as ever. “Is it bad I almost called you Reporter?”

Evan chuckles. “Brad still calls me Rolling Stone, and Ray has his own colorful nicknames that I don’t think he’ll ever stop using on me,” he admits.

“I’m sure they’re as creative and vulgar as he is,” Nate says, fondly.

“Thanks for meeting with me, I don’t have too many more questions to ask, it’s mostly going to be fact-checking stuff.”

Nate shrugs. “I don’t mind, I don’t have anything going on today.”

“Great.”

Evan goes up to get himself a coffee, offering to buy Nate a refill on his, but Nate waves him off.

“So, a book, huh?” Nate teases when Evan sits down across from him, coffee in hand.

He grins. “When you asked me if I had any plans to write a book back in Baghdad it sort of stuck in my brain. Before the articles were even published everyone told me I should expand. So…” he trails off with a shrug.

“I think it’s a great idea.”

Evan can’t help but smile again, Nate is one of the few men who had not outright hated the idea of embedding a reporter in the military. Like Evan, Nate has a desire for people to understand what is really going on over there.

“About the articles,” Evan starts, sheepishly. “When I was interviewing Wynn, he mentioned that you had some problems with grad school admissions because of that quote.”

“Did he now?” Nate asks, shaking his head in fondness for his old Gunny.

“Well, he was subtle about it, ya know, didn’t outright accuse me of anything. But I got the message pretty clear that they questioned your mental stability because of what I wrote. I’m really sorry.”

“That sounds like him,” Nate says with another fond shake of his head. “And don’t be sorry. You were quoting me, I said it.”

“I’m not sure what good it would do, but I would definitely be willing to vouch for your character,” Evan offers.

Nate chuckles, looking down at his coffee. “I appreciate it, but it won’t be necessary. I got in.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you, I start soon, actually. I’m not sure how I feel about going back to school. Part of me is excited, but another part feels like ‘what am I doing, I just got out of this, why am I trying to go back?’ You know?”

Evan nods. “I don’t think I could do it. It’s been too long since I graduated college.”

“I’ve always liked school,” Nate adds. “I like the structure it gives me. Sort of like the military. Though I think this'll be less stressful.”

“You say that now, just wait until you’re working on your dissertation.”

Nate smirks but nods his head in concession. 

Evan gets out his notebook, his recorder, and his list of notes he wants to go over with Nate as Nate goes up to get a refill of his coffee.

Luckily, Nate has a good memory and has brought with him several of the journals he had written in throughout his time in Iraq to help with confirming dates and memories.

Working with Nate is easy, or it would be if Evan didn’t find himself getting lost in his train of thought every few minutes due to meeting Nate’s eyes, or because Nate smiles right at him. 

That’s one thing Evan can remember in vivid detail about Iraq, talking with Nate about any random thing, military related or not, and being dumbstruck with every smile thrown his way.

Evan has known that he’s bisexual since high school, before he had really understood what that meant. He’d always just assumed everyone was attracted to all genders, that everyone just picked one and didn’t look back. He’s dated women most of his life mostly due to societal expectations, as well as the fact that women were easier to find and usually more enjoyable people to spend time with. But he had been no stranger to being with men when he’d first met Nate. 

So, his immediate attraction to Nate, when they’d met in Kuwait, had not caused him any kind of distress in his sexuality, though he had felt no small amount of guilt, mostly due to the fact that he had been in a relationship at the time. A relationship that quickly dissolved once it was no longer long-distance when he’d come back to the states.

Where the real worry came in had been the fact that he was surrounded by a group not exactly known for their progressive views on sexuality. The reporter from Rolling Stone coming in and developing a massive crush on the men’s Lieutenant would not have been a good look.

It had only been a week in when Evan had accidentally slipped up and said something a little too close to having real-life knowledge of what it was like to be with a man when one of the guys had made a joke. Evan had started to sweat for just a moment but realized that everyone else had taken it as the same homoerotic tone everyone else tended to take on. Only, when he’d looked up and caught Nate’s eyes there had been an understanding in them like he knew exactly what Evan had been saying.

Evan had racked his brain for days, wondering if it had all been in his mind, or if Nate could tell but not because of any of his own personal experience, or if this was something that they had in common.

He hadn’t been able to form any conclusions until one of his last days in Iraq. They had been off on their own, talking about the last city they’d been to and the men they’d met. That somehow turned into a conversation about the difference between these men and talking with men back home. Evan had made a dumb joke about how he only likes meeting men half the time, one that he’d say to his friends to make them groan and roll their eyes, and one that most of the marines around him wouldn’t have batted an eye at. But Nate had smirked, shaking his head slowly.

“Only half?” Nate had asked, and Evan had shrugged.

“Sure, you know, equal opportunity and all that.”

Nate had quirked an eyebrow. “Can’t say I ever have been.”

Evan had felt a real twist in his gut at that. “Right, well I’m sure meeting women has never been a problem for you.”

“I guess,” Nate had said with a smirk. “But that’s not the half I was talking about.”

Evan had just stared for a moment, blinking, trying to wrap his mind around Nate’s words. Nate had watched him expectantly, waiting for a response. When it had sunk in, Evan hadn’t known what to say, instead, he’d just nodded. He’d wanted to convey something to tell Nate that his secret was safe with him, though he couldn’t imagine Nate would have ever taken the risk by telling him if he hadn’t been sure that Evan wasn't going to say anything.

Now, sitting across from Nate back in the states, both of them just regular citizens, free to be whoever they want to be, it’s almost all Evan can think about. 

Especially, because Nate somehow looks even better now than he had before. His hair is longer, not by much, but it frames his face nicer than the buzz cut had. He’s still lean but fit, has probably gained back some of the weight lost from only eating one meal a day, but he looks like he’s staying in shape. His complexion is healthier, he seems well rested, his eyes taking on the bright quality they’d had when they’d first met, and there’s a distinct lack of dirt coating his face, all of which just serve as unnecessary reminders of how handsome Nate is.

He’d hoped that his attraction to Nate had more to do with Nate’s authority or maybe just him liking a man in uniform, though that theory falls apart immediately as he didn’t have this infatuation with the rest of the men in uniform he’d been surrounded by. Evan can’t deny that he likes a pretty face, and Nate has that in spades. Unfortunately, if it had stopped at Nate being attractive Evan wouldn’t be quite so infatuated. It had been when Nate had spoken about school and his views on liberalizing the military that Evan had known that Nate was going to be someone he could talk to. Which, more than anything, has always been the first thing Evan has wanted in a partner. 

The fact that Nate is no longer bound by the antiquated rules of DADT is not the reason Evan is trying to ignore that nagging voice in the back of his head telling him to just ask Nate out. It’s that, despite the large age difference – one that implies things about him that he’d rather it didn’t, especially because he’s never been interested in anyone that wasn’t close to his own age before, and he’s never understood other people’s attraction to it – that would normally put Evan in some kind of position of authority, he is most definitely not the one with authority between the two of them. Nate is an attractive, young, former captain of the United States Marine Corp. He’s highly intelligent and witty and respected by others.

Evan, on the other hand, is closer to 40 than 30, he still wears band T-shirts, and he’s pretty sure most of his personality comes from 70’s movie quotes. Nobody has ever picked him out of a crowd and thought that he was the best looking guy in the room, and while all of his exes would probably have nice things to say about him – none of his relationships have ended with much resentment on either side – they’d also tell anyone that asked that he gets too hyper-focused, and he sometimes locks himself in a room for days just writing.

Evan should just thank Nate for his time, get up, and leave until there is a Bravo reunion that he is invited to or something happening with the book to see Nate again. He should leave it at that because Nate is miles out of his league and it’s almost laughable that he’d consider himself as worthy. But there’s a part of Evan, the part that wanted to become a journalist, the part that decided he wanted to cover the war in Iraq, and the part that decided to stay in Iraq long after anyone else would have gone home, that doesn’t like living with the question of ‘what if?’.

So, instead of getting up and walking away, Evan thinks ‘fuck it’.

“Would you like to go out with me sometime?” 

Nate tilts his head slightly at the abrupt change in conversation.

“To go over some more stuff?” he asks.

“No, just out for dinner or something.”

Evan can see the confusion in Nate’s eyes, can see that his intent has not quite sunk in for Nate.

“A date, I mean,” he elaborates so that there’s no misunderstanding later.

“Oh.”

Nate’s face has always been an open book of emotion, so Evan gets a front row seat to watch as Nate’s face goes from shock to confusion, back to shock. His eyes blinking and furrowing, his lips going from pursed to parted like he is trying to find words only to close them back up again. It only takes a few seconds, though it feels much longer, and Nate doesn’t actually look to be past the shocked stage again when he responds.

“Ok.”

Evan blinks, reading the look on Nate’s face as something very different than his words. Nate looks just as unsure about it as Evan feels.

“Ok?” he asks, not because he wants to push, but because he hadn’t meant to catch Nate so off guard with this, he’d at least assumed Nate had noticed his attraction, enough that it could have at least been in the realm of possibility that Evan might, one day, strike up the nerve to ask him out. But Nate’s reaction shows that it had never even crossed his mind before this moment, and that’s not a great sign.

“Yeah, sure,” Nate says, blinking himself out of the wide-eyed confusion to send Evan a small, tense grin.

Evan’s not about to take it back and tell Nate to forget the whole thing based on his facial expressions. If Nate is saying yes then Evan isn’t going to argue against that. He can still feel excited that he’d asked Nate Fick out, and it had been accepted, he doesn’t need to focus too hard on kinesics right now.

“Great.”

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Nate’s stomach has been churning the past three days.

When Evan had asked him out, he’d been so taken aback that he’d panicked and agreed, despite the fact that he has no romantic interest in the man at all.

He’s been racking his brain, trying to figure out if there is a tactful way to call and tell Evan that he’s changed his mind and he only wants to be friends, without hurting Evan’s feelings or making him mad.

Nate’s never been good at accepting people that he likes being mad at him. And that’s the problem, he does like Evan. Just not in a romantic way.

He’s been over this again and again since they'd ironed out the details for the date before parting ways and he has not yet come to a conclusion on what to do. So, he knows he needs some advice.

Patrick is still overseas, not exactly available for phone calls about Nate’s love life. His next thought goes to Mike, but he’s not sure how comfortable he feels asking Mike for love advice, especially since he knows Evan too. He contemplates just calling Cara, Mike’s wife, she’d probably have the most insight into how to reject a guy smoothly, but then she’d just tell Mike and he’ll make sure to tease Nate about it every time they get together.

VJ is his next option and Nate figures he’s probably the best suited of any of his friends anyway. When the two had first started making plans to live together Nate had realized that it would probably be for the best that VJ know about his sexuality. As with most things, VJ had taken it well, liking the ‘rebelliousness’ of being ‘a gay marine’. Nate hadn’t brought many guys home with him when they’d been roommates, but the few times he had, VJ had offered Nate a fist bump in congratulations. Which is about the closest he’s gotten to talking to any of his friends about his sexuality, unless he wants to dig up numbers from some of his old college buddies.

He remembers, as the phone is ringing, that he’s now three hours ahead of VJ, which means it’s only eight in the morning in California. Thankfully, VJ still gets up at the crack of dawn to work out, so he answers quickly.

“Hello?”

“VJ.”

“Nate! What’s up, my man?”

Nate grins, happy to hear his friend’s voice.

They catch up for a few minutes, it’s only been a few weeks since they last spoke, but since VJ is still in the Corps he has a lot of stories to share.

“So, what’s going on?” he asks after he finishes his latest story about a few of his NCOs getting in a bar fight.

The abrupt question startles Nate enough that he doesn’t hesitate in his answer. “A guy asked me out and I said yes but I don’t want to go out with him and I don’t know how to tell him that.”

The line is silent for several seconds before VJ bursts out laughing.

“Jesus, man, you’re freaking out because a boy likes you? Isn’t that kind of your thing?”

Nate scowls. “That’s not it. This guy, Evan, he’s a friend of mine, he asked me out and I don’t know how to tell him I’m not really interested in him without hurting his feelings.”

“Why aren’t you interested?”

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what?’? What don’t you like about the guy? Is he stupid? Missing half his teeth? Is he a communist?”

Nate rolls his eyes. “No, none of that, I just…I guess I’m just not attracted to him.”

VJ lets out a low whistle. “I never knew you were so shallow.”

“I’m not shallow,” Nate argues, but then wonders if that could be the case here. “I just don’t think we’d work together.”

“Tell me about this dude, are you going to school with him? Is he another boring college boy like you?”

“He’s a journalist, the one that was with me in Iraq.”

“Whoa, he’s the one that wrote that article about you guys?”

“Yeah, he’s turning it into a book. He was fact checking some stuff with me the other day and he just asked me out. I panicked and said yes.”

“Wait, you’re getting a book written about you?”

Nate frowns, VJ is completely missing the point. “It’s about the platoon, not just me.”

“Man, you better go out with this dude, he could write some nasty shit about you if he feels scorned.”

“Evan wouldn’t do that,” Nate assures him, and he doesn’t entertain the thought for even a second, there’s no doubt in his mind that Evan would write a fair account of what happened, regardless of what happens between them.

“Right, sure. That’d be a pretty good story for the grandkids though, huh?”

“What?”

“You guys, falling in love in Iraq, the lieutenant and the starry-eyed, young writer who told his story. Finding love in the sandy hell of the Middle East.”

Nate rolls his eyes. “That’s definitely not how it happened. Also…he’s not exactly young.”

“Now I’m interested, what, to you, is not ‘exactly young’?”

“He’s 37.”

All he can hear on the other end of the line is VJ’s cackling laughter. Nate huffs and moves the receiver away from his ear for a few seconds before he can tell that the laughter is winding down.

“Oh shit, dude, why didn’t you tell me he was trying to be your sugar daddy?”

Nate can feel himself blush but he powers through it. “I really don’t think that’s it.”

“Uh, he’s writing a book about you. If that doesn’t say ‘I’m gonna make you famous, baby’ then I don’t know what else will.”

“That’s just not the type of person Evan is,” Nate argues, maybe a little to himself as well.

VJ sighs. “Fine, if he doesn’t have some weird fetish and he’s not the vengeful type to write bad shit about you, what is so bad about the guy? Ya know, other than being a decade older than you?”

Nate frowns. There’s nothing wrong with Evan, he’s smart and interesting, maybe a little goofy but in a fun way, not in a way that Nate finds he can’t take him seriously. He enjoys Evan’s company, which is why he’s having such a hard time figuring out how to reject him.

“There’s nothing wrong with him, I just don’t see him in a romantic way.”

“How do you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, isn’t that the point of a date? To figure out if you see someone in a romantic way?”

Nate hadn’t really thought about it that way. “I guess, but shouldn’t there be at least some interest on my part?”

“The fact that you refuse to hear a bad word against the guy makes me think you’re not as disinterested as you say.”

Nate wants to protest, wants to remind VJ that he is allowed to like someone as a friend and want to keep being their friend without having romantic inclinations. Instead, VJ just keeps talking.

“Plus, you’re not getting into a relationship with the guy, that’s what a date is for, to see if you’d like to keep doing it, to find out if you’re into the person,” VJ says. “Maybe you won’t even need to turn him down afterward, maybe he’ll decide he’s not into you when he realizes you’re an anal retentive, passive aggressive, history nerd.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel.”

VJ chuckles. “And that’s just the stuff he’ll learn about you first. Once he really gets to know you, that’s when the nightmare begins.”

Nate rolls his eyes. “Oh yeah, and what would that include?”

“Well for starters, he might find out that you act like a little bitch when you’re scared of going to dinner with guys you’re not attracted to.”

“Fuck you.”

“And make my dude Evan jealous? Not a chance.”

Nate sighs but cant’s help laugh the comes out as well.

“Does he make you uncomfortable?” VJ asks, quickly shifting the tone of the conversation.

“What? No, not at all.”

“Does he bore you or have a completely different worldview than you?”

“No, he-“

“Is there a chance he’ll kidnap you and lock you in his basement?”

“I guess there’s always a chance of that happening.”

“Go on the date, man. It’s not gonna hurt to have dinner with the guy and then when it’s over tell him you’re a recovering sugar baby and you really don’t think it’s healthy to get involved with an older man during this fragile time in your life.” 

 

Nate is fidgeting with the magnets on his refrigerator when the knock on the door comes.

He hesitates for just a moment, pausing with his hand on the doorknob to take a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves, before opening the door to reveal Evan.

“Hi,” Nate greets him, sending him a small, nervous smile.

“You look great,” Evan says as his own greeting before grimacing at his own words, probably not having planned to say something like that so early. But Nate is flattered and feels a small flush bloom on his cheeks. 

“Thanks, you too.”

He does look better than Nate thinks he’s ever seen him, he’s in a nice dress shirt and slacks, which is much different from his regular wardrobe of T-shirt and jeans.

Evan ducks his head and grins. “Ready to go?”

Nate nods and grabs his keys off the side table by the door.

The drive to the restaurant is a little awkward as they both try to make stilted small talk. He’s never had a problem talking to Evan before, even the first day they met Nate had probably overshared more about himself than the reporter had ever wanted to know. But that’s because it has always felt easy to talk to him, a perk of being a reporter maybe, or maybe the reason Evan is good at his job.

Nate figures it’s their combined nerves about the date that is making them blank on anything to talk about.

Once they’ve been seated he finally settles on, “so how’s the book coming?” Even though they talked about the book less than a week ago.

Evan chuckles, probably thinking the same thing Nate is as he wipes his hands on the tops of his legs.

“So far so good. I spoke with Bryan Patterson yesterday.”

Nate perks up at the mention of Captain – turned Major, and now, just – Patterson, they hadn’t spent a whole lot of time together in Iraq, but Nate respected the man a lot, and on the days when Schwetje had been truly frustrating Nate couldn’t help but daydream about having Patterson as Bravo’s leader instead. 

“How's he doing?” Nate asks.

“He’s doing well, said he’s thinking about applying to some schools, gonna study…environmental engineering I think he said.”

After their waiter takes their order Nate jumps right back into the conversation, just happy that he’s found something they can talk about.

“So, who else have you talked to so far for it?”

Evan sends him a sheepish sort of grin, or maybe more of a grimace when he says, “I’d actually rather not talk about the book tonight if that’s ok.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, no it’s just…I want to get to know you. We know each other as LT and Reporter, I’d like to get to know Nate,” Evan says.

Nate bites his lip and nods. “Sure, of course.”

He doesn’t have to worry too long about not knowing where to start with that when Evan speaks up again.

“So, tell me about school, you double majored, right?”

Nate nods. “Poli Sci and Classics.”

“That’s right,” Evan says, shaking his head, he's probably been trying to remember what Nate had told him before. “So, what got you interested in Classics?”

Nate perks up at that. “Well, it’s kind of a little bit of everything, right? It’s history, it’s literature, it’s philosophy, it’s language, it’s art and artifacts, it’s laws and politics, it’s not just about old stories and ideas of thousands of years ago, it affects so much of our everyday lives still. It’s really like a foundation to learning almost anything else.”

He pauses when he sees the enormous smile on Evan’s face.

“What?”

Evan shakes his head. “Nothing, I just like listening to you when you talk about something you’re passionate about.”

Nate can feel his cheeks and ears beginning to flush again. “Sorry, I get a little excitable about this kind of stuff.”

“A bit like Ray on Ripped Fuel,” Evan offers and Nate glares.

“Nobody can match Ray on Ripped Fuel.”

“Fair, but you’re a close second. And don’t be sorry, it’s nice that you’re so passionate about these things. It’s one of my favorite things about you.”

Now, Nate knows his ears are definitely burning up, probably bright red. And his heartbeat picks up a faster rhythm.

Evan’s smile just widens. “And that’s probably my second favorite thing,” he says, pointing to Nate’s ears.

Nate has to fight the urge to cover them up with his hands, the way he used to do when he was younger. Instead, he just bites his lip and shakes his head, attempting to take it as the compliment he knows it is.

“How about you? I’m guessing you went to school for journalism?” Nate asks, trying to move the conversation forward and away from his ears.

Evan nods, following Nate’s lead. “Yep, I knew I wanted to be a journalist since high school.”

“Any particular reason?”

“I got involved with the school newspaper, just ‘cause I was required to take an extracurricular activity. I uh…sort of had a tendency to get in trouble back in those days.”

Nate raises an eyebrow in question, letting the option of going into detail on what kind of trouble be up to Evan. 

“I always liked writing for my other classes,” Evan continues, apparently choosing to not divulge his spotty past on a first date. “So, I chose Newspaper, figuring I wouldn’t need to do much. And then I found that I liked researching things and talking to people, listening to their stories and sharing them. It wasn’t much just for a high school newspaper, but it was enough to get me interested and decide to go to college.”

Evan chuckles and looks down at his hands. “I’m about to start rambling now, I wanted to learn about you.”

Nate smiles and waves him off. “Well, I want to hear more about you too, and I think that’s great, so you want to tell people’s stories?”

Evan watches him for a moment before nodding. “Like, with you guys, I want to share your story. I think that there is too big of a divide between civilians and soldiers…uh, marines, sorry,” he quickly corrects himself when Nate makes a face.

Nate smirks.

“I mean, no offense, but often times, you guys seem to have a very negative view on the civilian population that you have chosen to protect, and I think that maybe it’s because they just don’t know what it’s like. And then marine’s feel misunderstood and don’t know how to properly communicate your experiences to civilians. Maybe I can help bridge that gap.”

Nate considers Evan words for a moment, but before he can say anything Evan rushes to speak again.

“I don’t mean ‘you’ as in you. ‘You’ as a collective. I know you’re not in the Marines anymore, but I’m sure you’ll always be a marine in some way. And I don’t mean that you don’t know how to connect with people, not in a bad way, I just-“

“Evan, it’s okay,” Nate cuts him off, afraid he’ll start digging himself into an actual hole as he tries to climb out of one he’s not actually in. “I agree, actually. I think bridging that divide is important. That’s why I think ROTC programs should be more widely embraced in schools. And the military should be seen as a viable career option for people, not just for guys who don’t think they have any other skills or options.”

Evan’s grin is one of relief as Nate speaks, his shoulders drop back down from the slightly defensive way he’s been holding them.

“So, are you wanting to do more stuff with the military, not just Bravo?”

“Probably. But it's not just the military, I want to do more with other groups that maybe don’t have a voice in our mainstream society. Get involved, spend time with them, ya know? Not just make phone calls and conduct quick interviews.”

“Immersion journalism,” Nate says, thinking over the point.

“Exactly,” Evan says with a quick nod. “I could never know what it was to do what you did in Iraq, but I think I know more than any other journalist that chose to opt-out, or even if I had spent my time with the support company like I’d planned.”

“That’s right, I forgot you weren’t originally assigned to us. So, that’s why you asked to ride alongside, to get in the middle of it all?”

When Schwetje had told Nate that Evan was going to ride with his team, he’d been apprehensive. Both, because he didn’t want Evan to be a distraction, and because he didn’t think the guys would respond well to him. Thankfully, Brad and his team had opened up to Evan, prompting most of the other guys to follow their lead.

His question had been rhetorical, but Evan averts his eyes, and now Nate is curious.

“What? That’s not what made you join Bravo?”

“You may have had something to do with it,” Evan says, finally looking up to meet Nate’s eyes.

It takes him a moment to understand what Evan means, but as soon as he does he can feel his face flush again. 

“Oh,” is all he can think to say at first. He clears his throat and tries again. “I had no idea.”

Nate really had been blind to it if Evan has been interested in him since they first met.

“You had interesting ideas, the way you talked about your men made me want to see them in action. And…maybe it was so I could talk to you some more,” Evan admits sheepishly. “Plus, yours was the only name I could remember that first day.”

Nate can’t help but laugh, thinking about how it had probably been pretty overwhelming to come in how Evan had. It’s kind of nice knowing that he’d made such a good first impression.

Before Nate can say anything else, the waiter arrives with their food. 

Evan, instead of continuing that conversation, moves on to ask Nate about his family. Nate talks a bit about his parents and his sisters, about growing up in Baltimore. Evan keeps him talking almost all through dinner, though he stays open and responsive when Nate attempts to turn the questions back around on him.

It’s when the waiter arrives to take their plates that Nate realizes just how long they’ve been talking. Even though they've been able to talk easily since the day they met, tonight has felt different. Evan never missed an opportunity to throw in a compliment when he could and Nate is almost sure he never used to do that before, or if he had, Nate has never blushed quite as often as he has tonight.

As many conversations as they’ve had between them, they’ve never talked quite like they had tonight, he knows more about Evan after one meal together than he'd learned over their time in Iraq. And there had been no question that it was a date, Evan has been attentive and sweet, also flirty and teasing, and Nate feels almost disappointed when they decide to leave, having enjoyed getting to see this side of Evan. He can’t believe he’d spent so much time agonizing about not wanting to date Evan and now, here he is, wishing they could keep this going.

The conversation in the car this time is not awkward at all as they talk about their dinner and the people that had been sitting around them – particularly the couple that had been behind Nate’s seat, Evan is pretty sure they had been breaking up, while Nate maintains they were discussing refinancing their home, though he admits to himself that his focus had been on Evan more than anything else around them.

Nate is tempted to ask Evan to come inside to keep talking, but he’s sure that will come across differently than he intends it to. So, he stays quiet as Evan walks him to his door.

“Well, thank you, I had a good time,” Evan says, once they’re outside Nate’s apartment.

“Me too.”

“Yeah?” Evan asks, a smile spreading across his face.

Nate smiles back. “Yeah.”

They just stand looking at each other for a few seconds and Nate isn’t sure what to do until Evan begins leaning in toward him. He holds his breath, mentally preparing himself, but just as Nate closes his eyes he feels Evan kiss his cheek instead. 

Nate grins, opening his eyes and feeling the now familiar burning on his cheek, he hasn’t been given a cheek kiss from anyone but his mother in a long time, he’s charmed by the gesture.

“I’ll call you?” Evan says as he pulls back, though it sounds like a question, so Nate nods.

“Night.”

“Good night, Evan.”

He waits for Evan to step away and begin walking back to his car before letting himself inside.

It’s only as he’s getting ready for bed, brushing his teeth, that he realizes he hasn’t stopped smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

Nate worries at his bottom lip as he listens to the ringing on the other end of the line. After the fourth ring, he’s ready to hang up. Right as he goes to end the call, he hears a quick, “what?”

“That’s probably not the best way to answer your phone,” Nate replies, hopping up to sit on the kitchen counter.

“Ah, hey, LT,” Ray says, voice lightning from his initial greeting. “To what do I owe this special check-in?”

“Not a check in, I just wanted to catch up, see how things are going. You’re going to school, right?”

“Yes, dad, I’m gonna get me an education so I can be just like you when I grow up.”

Nate grins. 

He asks about Ray’s mother and lets Ray ramble for a few minutes about how she’s driving him crazy, taking him to show off to all her friends, dragging him to family functions, and trying to make him listen to all the new patriotic country songs.

Nate knew Ray would be the perfect person to get him out of his head for a while, which is exactly what he needs. He’s been overanalyzing all day, trying to figure out what has changed so much that he’s gone from not being attracted to Evan at all, to thinking about how Evan said he’d call and wondering when that will be and unfortunately, also thinking of all the reasons Evan may not want to call. 

What if VJ had been right? Now that they know each other better, maybe Evan will realize that Nate is not who he thought he was, realize Nate isn’t anything special. 

He’s never been like this before, never been hung up on what a guy thinks of him. Nate’s always been fairly confident within romantic and sexual encounters, but then, his dating record is spotty at best. In fact, when it comes to traditional dating, Nate is a bit new to all of this.

He feels like he got to see a whole other side to Evan, one similar to who he’d known in Iraq, and yet this Evan is more self-assured, more invested in the world around him. He has similar politics and beliefs to Nate’s own and a whole life that Nate had never thought to consider before now. And there’s an undivided attention he’d given to Nate that had made him feel incredible, and it feels a little like he’s craving that attention again. Though it also makes him worry that he’s projecting these feelings onto Evan, and that’s the only reason he suddenly feels attracted to him.

So, instead of doing something irrational, or letting his mind play out the night one more time, he’d decided to give Ray a call.

“She’s proud of you,” Nate tells him once he runs out of steam.

Ray huffs. “So, what are you really calling about?”

“I told you, just wanted to catch up, see how things were going.”

“Mhm,” Ray hums, not sounding convinced in the slightest.

“Why do you think I wouldn’t want to catch up?” 

“Because, you don’t like catching up over the phone if you don’t have to, and it hasn’t been long enough since we’ve seen each other to make you feel guilty that we haven’t talked.”

Nate goes to protest, but that is all true, he has no idea how Ray could know any of that, though.

“I never told you I don’t like catching up over the phone.”

“Homes, you don’t have to tell me anything, I just know.” 

Nate doesn’t know whether to feel amused or apprehensive about that, which is pretty much par for the course when talking to Ray.

“So, I’m going to guess that this either has something to do with the fact that some of your Bravo boys have themselves a new captain, and you’re feeling nostalgic, or it’s about a guy. But I haven’t decided yet why you’d be calling _me_ about a guy.”

Nate frowns. “A guy? What guy?”

“Whatever guy you’re boning down on, or, I’m sorry, do you call it making love?”

Nate nearly chokes at Ray’s words. “What? Why would you think that? I didn’t…I haven’t…”

“Okay, just breathe, LT didn’t mean to give you a heart attack. Neither of us is in the Corps anymore, ya know, we’re both free to ask and tell all we want.”

“How did you know I was gay?”

Ray sighs. “I just told you, I know things.”

“Do you think the others know?” he asks, trying to remember if he’d said anything in front of anyone other than Evan and Mike that could’ve given him away.

“Nah, those guys wouldn’t suspect a thing. You could'a gotten down on your knees and started sucking their cocks, they'd high-five and think it was a bonding exercise.”

Nate chuckles, feeling the tightness in his chest lessen slightly.

“So, out with it, what big gay crisis can I help with?”

“I didn’t call you to talk about guy problems.”

“But there is a guy.” 

Nate sighs. “I’m really not trying to talk about this with you, Ray. Tell me about your classes.”

“Hell no, I’m interested now. Talk to Ray-Ray, I’m like the Gay Whisperer. Ya know, I think I could be gay if I didn’t like pussy so much.”

“Yeah that’s a pretty big part of it,” Nate says, rolling his eyes. “I guess the gay men of the world will just have to manage without you.”

“Damn straight. Now, stop deflecting, what’s this guy’s deal? Dick too small? Bad blowjob technique? Won’t wear the leather face mask?”

“Yeah, you’re definitely the Gay Whisperer,” Nate deadpans, shaking his head at Ray’s extremely limited view of gay people. “If you must know, we haven’t had sex. We’ve only gone on one date.”

“I thought for you guys a first date was like a hand job in the back of a club somewhere. You just went on a regular ass date?”

“Yes, Ray, surprisingly enough, we’re just like regular people.” Nate can’t get too self-righteous about this particular topic, as most of his past “dates” have gone more in the direction Ray is thinking.

“Man, what’s even the point?” Ray sounds genuinely disappointed in this news.

“Sorry?”

“Yeah well, so what’s the problem here?” Ray asks, sounding much less interested than before.

“It’s not a problem exactly, just…I’ve never really done the proper dating thing before, and I don’t know anything about dating etiquette. He said he was going to call, but I kind of want to just call him. I know I should wait, but I don’t know how long I should wait, and I think I’m going crazy because I only just realized I like him or maybe I don’t like him and I’m just having a reaction to this date we went on but I can't know that unless I spend more time with him, and I don’t know what I’m doing,” he rushes to say, feeling his face heat up over the admission. He can’t believe he’s opening up like this to Ray Person of all people.

There’s silence on the other end for a breath before Ray’s loud laughter causes him to move his ear from the receiver.

“Holy shit, homes, you’re like a love-sick rom-com chick. What the fuck?”

Nate cringes. “I know, that’s why I called you, I’m trying to stop thinking about it so much.”

“How long have you been waiting for this guy to call? Hate to break it to you, but if you guys are anything like straight guys if they don’t call in a week it’s ‘cause they’re not interested. Maybe you should’ve put out.” 

“The date was last night,” Nate admits and braces himself for another onslaught of laughter, and he isn’t disappointed.

Once Ray calms down again he says, “wow, you do have a bad. Not even 24 hours and you’re waiting by the phone, who is this guy?”

“Uh,” Nate starts but can’t think of a lie quick enough before Ray catches on.

“Wait, do I know them?”

Nate quickly weighs the pros and cons of Ray knowing, he figures Ray will figure it out sooner or later, since he seems to know everything anyway. “It’s Evan.”

“Stafford? No way!”

“No, of course not,” Nate says quickly, he can’t have the idea of him dating one of his men, even if he’s not actually their lieutenant anymore, going around. 

“Evan who?” 

“Wright.”

There’s a pause before Ray lets out a breath. “Holy shit, are you serious?” 

“Don’t tell anyone, Ray,” Nate says, realizing he probably should’ve said that much sooner.

“Yeah, no shit. Fucking War Scribe is writing a book about us and you are all ‘I need to get me some of that’?”

“No, it’s not like that,” Nate insists.

“I mean it makes sense on his side, I thought he was gonna fly right off the ground every time you came by. He’d get sucked right into your gravitational pull. Just birds and hearts circling his head constantly. I thought it was sad, but I guess his crush wasn't so crazy after all.”

Nate is starting to wonder if he’d been completely out of it back in Iraq, it doesn’t sound like Ray is bullshitting and Nate can feel his face heat up at the thought.

“You should call him,” Ray says after a beat.

“Really? Don’t you think I’ll look desperate?”

“Oh yeah, you’ll totally look desperate, but it’ll work for him. Also, don’t forget, the dude fell for you as a marine, a lieutenant, the leader of men. He probably is into that take charge kind of thing, you know? If you call him and say, ‘we’re going out again’, he’d probably eat that shit up.”

Nate frowns, thinking about the number of times he had blushed last night, not exactly the reaction of a badass marine. Though, Evan had seemed to like it when Nate reacted that way, not that he’s going to tell Ray any of that.

Instead, he says, “yeah, maybe you’re right, I should just call.”

“That’s the spirit, show him who’s boss. Wait, does that mean you’re a top? Because honestly dude, I always figured- “

“Okay, thank you, Ray. I’m hanging up now.”

“Sure thing, anytime I can lend my expert advice, you just let me know.”

“I’ll be sure to do that, goodbye, Ray.”

“Oh wait, LT.”

“Yeah?”

“Get some,” Ray says, hanging up in the middle of his laughter. 

Nate can’t control the smile that spreads across his face.

 

He only spends a minute thinking about whether Ray had been full of shit or not before he finds Evan’s number and starts dialing. 

He’s decided that Ray was at least right about one thing, he needs to take charge, not just be passive and take whatever Evan will offer. Evan likes him, or at least liked the Lieutenant version of him, so it does no good to sit around and wonder if he’ll call, it means he doesn’t want some blushing college student whose last real date was when he was 16 years old, Evan wants a leader. 

Plus, now that he’s out of the Marines, and free to do what he wants, he’s excited at the prospect of a real relationship, forming an actual connection to another person, something he's never really had before. He hadn’t thought about it before Evan had asked him out, now, it feels like it’s something he’s been craving for years. The fact that he’s done such a 180 on Evan is still a little worrying to him, but he figures there’s no way to know for sure unless he spends more time with him, to figure out if it’s Evan he likes, or the attention.

So, maybe he doesn’t know what all the rules are for dating, he’ll just make them up as he goes. He wants to talk to Evan, so he is going to talk to him.

He lets those thoughts fuel him as he waits. Thankfully, it only takes two rings before Evan answers. As the line picks up he hears, “Hel- shit,” at the same time as there is a clatter in the background. 

“Hello?” 

“Is this a bad time?” 

“Nate?” 

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Nate isn’t sure if he’s imaging the slightly breathy quality of Evan’s voice or not.

“I uh, just wanted to say I had a good time last night,” he says, shaking his head as he loses the steam he’d had a minute ago.

“Oh, great, I…oh…but?” 

Nate is confused for a moment before he realizes that Evan must think this phone call is the one Nate had planned on making before the date had actually happened and he'd realized that he wanted it to keep happening. Though he hadn’t really planned on what he’d wanted to say, with Evan’s negative thoughts, Nate is inspired.

“ _And_ …I was wondering if you wanted to go out again.” 

There’s a long pause before he hears Evan cough.

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, if you want.”

“Yeah, yes, I do, whenever you want. You can come over tonight, I’m making dinner.” 

“Oh…” 

“Or is that too much?”

“No, I just…is that too soon between dates?” asks the guy who couldn’t wait a full day for a phone call.

“I don’t think there are any rules,” Evan says, and Nate can hear the smile in his voice. 

“Right, okay sure.” 

“Okay, come over around 6:30, you have my address?”

“I do. Do you need me to bring anything?” Nate asks, drumming his fingers against the counter as he tries to think of anything he can bring that won’t require him to actually cook.

“Just yourself.”

Nate knows it’s cheesy, but he smiles anyway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Evan is pretty sure he’s in a dream, or he’s fallen into some alternate reality where Nate Fick not only agreed to go out with him one time but then asked him out himself just a day later.

The date had gone well, though Evan knows he’d talked too much. Nate could be a reporter with how well he is able to turn a conversation back around on another person. But, despite talking about himself more than he’d planned, it had been a nice evening.

Today, he’s had a hard time focusing. He’d organized some of his notes but every time he’d sit down to write anything his mind had strayed to Nate, which makes sense as the book does involve him. But these thoughts had nothing to do with Iraq or the Marines. Evan had channeled his nervous energy into cleaning up his apartment, but that also left his mind open to wander. So, while he had attempted to organize some of his books, he found a recipe book a friend had given him years ago. He opened it, flipping through the pages until he landed on something that looked good and simple enough for him to try.

Evan isn’t a bad cook, he’s not exactly creative in the kitchen, but he can follow a recipe and have it turn out well. Of course, he had none of the ingredients that it called for so he had made a run to the store.

Opening the door to his phone ringing, Evan never guessed Nate would be on the other line, and his mind immediately concluded that he must have been calling for the ‘we should just be friends’ speech. Now, Evan gets to put his newly clean apartment and hopefully adequate culinary skills to good use and spend more time with Nate. 

He’s just putting the dish in the oven when he hears a knock at the door. He checks the clock to see Nate is six minutes early and he grins.

Nate is dressed more casually than the night before, thankfully, as Evan hadn’t thought to change out of this T-shirt. Of course, even casually dressed Nate looks incredible and his small grin in greeting is enough to make Evan lose his breath for a moment.

“I brought one of each, ‘cause I wasn’t sure what we were having,” Nate says, holding up two bottles of wine that Evan hadn’t noticed before.

“Oh, thank you, you didn’t have to do that,” he says, taking one of the bottles from Nate and leading him into the kitchen.

“I couldn’t come over empty-handed,” Nate explains. “And I didn’t think you were a flowers kind of person.”

Evan laughs, he’s never been one to put out flowers, or even notice them when a girlfriend had put some out, but he’s pretty sure if Nate had bought him flowers, he’d buy a vase and display them for everyone to see.

“This is perfect. Which kind do you want?” he asks as he digs through his drawers for a corkscrew he’s sure he still has.

“What are we having?”

“Salmon, is that okay? It’s just a simple recipe I found earlier, thought I’d give it a try.”

“Yummy. I think that’s white wine then?”

“I have no idea,” Evan admits.

Nate nods. “I think they say to pair fish with white wine.”

Evan shrugs. “I’ll take your word for it,” he says, opening the bottle.

Nate shifts in his seat as Evan pours only one glass. “Do you not like wine?” he asks.

“I don’t drink,” Evan explains.

Nate's eyes widen. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize-“

Evan waves him off. “No, it’s really not a problem, it’s just something I decided to cut out.”

“I noticed you weren’t drinking last night, but I didn’t think anything of it. I’m an asshole.”

“Hey, not at all, I never said anything because it just never came up. There’s no reason you would have known that. Seriously, Nate, it’s not an issue,” he tells him, sliding the glass in front of him.

Nate frowns at the glass, and Evan can tell he’s thinking of just pouring it out. 

“Nate, this is not an issue of temptation, it’s just something I decided for myself. I really don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, I want you to drink it, please drink the wine,” he says, then considers his words. “If you want to drink it, that is, I’m not trying to say that you have to drink or get drunk or…anything. Hey, look at that, now we both feel like assholes.”

Nate lets out an amused huff. He fidgets with the stem of the glass for a moment, biting his lip and staring at Evan before lifting the glass to take a small sip.

Evan smiles and nods, turning back toward the meal he’s working on.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Nate asks.

“Do you cook?”

“Not at all.”

Evan laughs. “How about the salad? I have everything ready, just need it all put into a bowl and mixed up.”

“I can do that,” Nate says.

It’s not nearly as awkward as last night. After just a minute of figuring out how to move around each other, they fall into a nice rhythm as Nate talks about all his mother’s attempts at teaching him how to cook, all of which ended in disaster.

“Let’s see, and then there was the time she left the kitchen for a few minutes, I think my sisters were fighting or something, and she came back to find that I’d somehow made a pan explode.”

Evan can’t help but laugh.

“That was the last time she tried to make me cook anything.”

“That was probably smart, I don’t know if I could even do that on purpose,” Evan says, deeply amused. “I’m pretty sure we may need to have you declared legally banned from entering a kitchen again, for the safety of yourself and others.”

Nate pouts and sends a glare Evan’s way. “I know some things now, I’m able to feed myself. I just…I’ll never be a great cook.”

“Well,” Evan begins thoughtfully. “That’s okay. Actually, it’s nice knowing you’re not perfect at everything.” 

He mentally rolls his eyes at himself, but his words are worth it to see Nate’s cheeks and ears turn a deeper shade of pink. Somehow, Nate has made being bad at something endearing, and Evan is very much aware that he is far past gone at this point. 

Thankfully, the timer goes off before Evan has to think of anything else to say, that isn’t just an outpouring of how great he thinks Nate is.

Evan realizes he should have set the small dining table up to look nice, but Nate assures him that it’s fine.

Dinner is delicious if he does say so himself. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to, as Nate is more than complimentary with almost every bite he takes. 

When Evan was 19 years old, he had a professor call a meeting with him to discuss a paper he had written for class. She’d informed Evan that she had put in an application for a grant for writers to help financially support him in school and had told Evan that if he did not become a writer he would be wasting a gift inside of him that few were lucky enough to have. He’d been shocked and flattered and had felt like he could do anything in that moment.

Somehow, Nate moaning around a forkful of food, praising Evan’s culinary skills, and telling him that he thinks he is secretly a gastronomic genius, makes him feel the exact same way he had when he was 19.

 

“Do you want to go pick out a movie while I clean up a bit here?” Evan asks once they’re finished.

“I’ll wash the dishes,” Nate offers, standing up and grabbing both of their plates.

“You’re my guest,” Evan argues, standing and attempting to take the plates from Nate’s hands, but he holds on tight.

“You made dinner.”

“You made the salad, the most important part,” Evan tries, but the unamused look from Nate tells him he has not succeeded.

“Don’t patronize me, Evan,” Nate says, pulling the plates away and heading toward the sink.

Evan sighs, picking up a few of the other dishes and following behind him. “How about I wash, you dry?” Evan asks, attempting to compromise.

“You dry,” Nate says, tossing the dishtowel at Evan’s head.

Evan can’t help but laugh and take up his spot next to Nate by the drying rack, as Nate easily takes command of his kitchen.

They work in companionable silence, interspersed with a few teasing remarks tossed back and forth for a few minutes before Nate sighs.

“I’ve never done this before.” 

Evan looks over to see Nate just holding the plate he’s been scrubbing. “Always had a dishwasher?”

“What?” Nate asks, blinking as he looks over at Evan. “Oh, no, not this. Dating, I mean.”

Evan has to stop himself from openly delighting in Nate referring to what they’re doing as ‘dating’, and instead finishes drying the bowl in his hands and setting it down before he speaks.

“You’ve never dated anyone before?” he asks, finding that hard to believe.

“Not really,” Nate says, bringing his attention back to the plate. “I mean, in high school, I made out with a Peter Sawyer in the back row of Demolition Man. That’s probably the only real date I went on until last night.”

Nate hands Evan the clean plate and Evan frowns.

“You didn’t date at all in college?”

“College was more…you meet a guy at a bar, you hook up, and maybe you exchange numbers. It never really went farther than that.”

“So, you were out in college though?” Evan asks, placing the plate on the drying rack.

Nate nods as he begins working on the silverware. “For the most part, I guess. I mean, it wasn’t a secret to any of my friends, but it’s not something I broadcasted either. When I decided that I wanted to join the Marines, that’s when I…I don’t want to say that I went back in the closet because everyone important to me still knew, my friends and my family knew, and I wasn’t dating women or anything, I just...had to be more careful. So, there was definitely no dating during that time. I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend before.”

This admission causes Nate’s ears to turn Evan’s favorite shade of red.

“Every guy you met in college that didn’t try to take you on a date is an idiot,” Evan tells him truthfully. He will be the first one to admit that he’s made some dumb choices in his life, but if he’d met Nate in college he’d have asked him out immediately, or as soon as he could work up the nerve to do it.

Nate shakes his head, averting his gaze back toward the sink. 

“I just wanted to tell you that because…I guess because I don’t really know what I’m doing with any of this, and I don’t know what the rules are. I just wanted you to know that if I do something wrong or seem less confident than you’re expecting…”

He trails off with a shrug, reaching into the soapy water to clean something else, but Evan stops him, putting an arm on his elbow.

“Hey, there aren’t any rules for this,” Evan assures him. “You just do what feels right. I’ll admit, I’ve dated plenty of people, and not one of those relationships was just like any of the others. There’s no standard or right way to date someone.”

Nate nods his head thoughtfully. “I want to kiss you,” he says bluntly after a few seconds of silence between them.

Evan nearly chokes on the air he’s just sucked in.

“U-uh, ok, I’m…I’m good with that,” Evan chokes out, not really sure what to say in response. Nate’s fluctuations between confidence and uncertainty is starting to make Evan’s head spin, he can’t help but wonder if this is something Nate is doing on purpose, to keep Evan on his toes, or is really just how Nate is.

Nate grins, taking a step closer to him and Evan shifts so they’re facing each other instead of standing side by side.

Any nervousness from his admission before is gone from Nate as he leans in, capturing Evan’s lips with his own without another word.

Evan feels immediately breathless, and a little bit weak at the knees. Thankfully, Nate’s hands find Evan’s hips, holding him against the counter. It’s almost exactly how he’d envisioned it to be. Nate’s lips are soft and plush against his, the kiss is easy, measured as they figure out how best to fit together.

It’s when Nate’s tongue teases against Evan’s lower lip that he brings his arms up to hold Nate’s back, taking a sharp breath in through his nose.

After just another moment Nate leans back, his smile wide and gorgeous as ever, and Evan feels light-headed from just that small kiss. 

Evan lets his eyes linger on Nate’s lips for another second before trailing them up to meet his stare. There is an obvious relief behind Nate’s eyes and Evan can’t help but smile back, feeling a little bit relieved himself. 

“Oops, sorry,” Nate says once he’s stepped away.

“Hm?” Evan hums out, still a little dazed.

“Your shirt, sorry about that,” Nate says, nodding his head to the front of Evan’s shirt, wet from where Nate’s hands had been.

Evan hadn’t even noticed. “Oh, it’s okay, really.”

Nate smirks and moves back to finish the dishes.

 

“Pick whatever you want.” Evan directs Nate toward his extensive movie collection.

Nate browses Evan’s shelves for a minute before he pulls one off and turns to look at him, a glint of mischief in his eyes. “We’re watching this.”

Evan doesn’t trust Nate’s impish grin so he reaches out for what he's selected. Nate doesn’t hand it over, but he holds it up so that the cover of ‘The In-Laws’ is facing him.

It takes Evan a second to figure out what the joke is, but when he does he groans and flops down onto the couch. 

“None of you are ever going to let me live that down, are you?”

Nate shakes his head slowly, smiling just as wide as he had that day after everyone was safe, and they could all spend a minute making fun of the reporter not knowing the right way to run. Nate had smiled in a way Evan hadn’t gotten to see in a while. It had made it all worth it.

Evan huffs, and puts on a fake pout, but Nate isn’t swayed. “I’ve never seen it before, I want to see where you’re learning combat tactics.”

Nate raises his eyebrows and straightens his stance in what Evan can only describe as his LT face, the one he’d seen Nate use only a handful of times on his men, mostly Brad, when he had to give a direct order or pull rank. Evan feels a warmth spread over his skin at having that stare directed at him. He’s standing and taking the movie to get set up before he even realizes he’s decided to.

Other than some initial awkwardness in trying to decide how best to sit next to each other, it’s nice. They end up pressed against each other side by side, and Nate laughs out loud several times throughout the movie, his laugh never failing to make Evan want to join in. 

When they get to 'the scene' Nate nearly doubles over in his laughter, probably through a combination of just the comedy of the scene as well as his memory of Evan attempting to follow Vince’s instructions of ‘Serpentine!’

“Okay, I have a question,” Evan says, pausing the movie and waiting for Nate to calm down and wipe his eyes. “What’s so wrong about it? Isn’t it harder to hit a moving target, and one that is moving in a way you can’t predict has to be even more difficult, right?”

Nate smiles fondly at him. “In theory, yes, a moving target is harder to hit than a stationary one. But when you run like that, especially how you were running that day, you lose all your forward momentum, it leaves you exposed much longer. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, right?”

Evan shrugs and nods. 

“Plus, this was _clearly_ meant to be funny, you can’t have seen this scene and thought that what they were doing was a good idea. He was at the car, he didn’t need to keep running around like that, he could have just gotten in. Apparently, these guy’s aim is as bad as some of those soldiers over there.”

“I guess so.”

Nate turns to look at him. “If you ever do find yourself in another firefight, just find good cover. Don’t run around in circles like these jackasses, okay?”

Evan laughs. “You got it.”

“Promise?”

That makes Evan pause for a moment, looking into Nate’s clear, green eyes, he can see that the question is sincere. 

“I promise.”

Nate nods and turns back to the TV, taking the remote from Evan to un-pause the movie.

Warmth settles heavy in Evan’s chest and he leans just a little closer into Nate’s side.

 

“Thank you. For dinner, and inviting me over,” Nate says as Evan walks him out.

“Of course, thanks for coming, and for calling.”

“School is starting soon, so I’m gonna be busier, but I’d like to get together again soon.”

Evan has to stop himself from doing a victory dance.

“Absolutely. I’m going out of town for work for a few days on Thursday, but maybe we could get coffee or lunch or something Wednesday.”

Nate grins. “Perfect.”

Evan only has a second to wonder if he can give Nate a kiss goodbye when Nate takes matters into his own hands.

As before, Evan feels a little weak at just the slightest hint of Nate’s tongue against his lips. He sighs into the kiss and pulls Nate closer. That small movement is enough to spur Nate on it seems, as he pushes Evan against the door. 

He’s anything but soft now, Nate's mouth hot and enthusiastic against his own and Evan has to fight off a whimper in the back of his throat that wants to come out. Part of him wants to slump back against the door and have Nate hold him against it, delving deeper in. While another part wants to push back, hold onto him tight or maybe flip them over and take control. He settles on gripping the short hairs on the back of Nate’s head tight, holding him closer, swallowing Nate’s deep moan and echoing it right back.

Nate may not have any experience with dating, but he sure knows what he’s doing when it comes to kissing. Evan tries to not focus too hard on thinking about what else Nate might be good at, but that’s proving difficult as Nate does something incredible with his tongue, holding Evan against the door just a little bit harder.

He only gets a second of breath before Nate surges back in each time, and Evan is definitely getting lightheaded. 

It’s when Nate reaches down, hands beginning to work at the button on Evan’s jeans that he pulls away. Nate instinctively tries to follow, but Evan holds him back. 

They’re both breathing heavily against the other’s cheek, and Nate mouth is red and looks so tempting that Evan almost rethinks this whole stopping thing.

Nate tilts his head, eyebrows pinching together as he licks his lips. 

“I come back Sunday, probably early evening, if you want to come over then,” Evan tells him, voice slightly breathless.

“Oh.”

Evan tightens his grip on Nate’s arms when he goes to step back.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Nate says, avoiding Evan’s eyes.

“It’s just kind of fast.”

“No, I get it.”

“I’ve only just accepted that you like me back about two hours ago,” Evan tries to explain, not wanting Nate to feel at all rejected by him, just because he’s feeling a little overwhelmed by how fast this is all moving. 

Less than a week ago he’d been drumming up the nerve to just ask Nate out, a question that had been met with shock and confusion. Now, twenty-four hours after their first date he’s trying to wrap his head around the fact that Nate is not only interested in him romantically, but apparently also physically. He’s not prude by any means, but Nate had told him that this is what he’s used to, he sort of wants to show Nate that sex isn’t the only thing he is looking for with him.

Still, half of his brain is screaming at him to shut the hell up and just keep going, that he can still do all those things. But as good as his intentions may be, Evan’s hesitance mostly comes from a selfish place, of not wanting to be just another guy that doesn’t turn into anything more to Nate than sex.

He doesn’t know how to convey all of that without possibly hurting Nate’s feelings. Thankfully, it seems he doesn’t have to.

Nate reaches up, taking Evan’s face in his hands and kisses him for just a moment.

“Evan, I get it, it’s okay. You’re right, it’s fast.”

“Sunday…” 

“Sounds perfect,” Nate finishes for him, voice even and smooth as ever.

Evan nods and Nate smiles.

Nate kisses him one more time before pulling away, smirking and raising his eyebrows as Evan continues to just stare.

“What?”

“I can’t actually leave if you’re gonna barricade the exit,” Nate tells him.

“Oh,” Evan says, realizing he’s still leaning on the door. He moves to give Nate access. “Sorry about that.”

Nate shakes his head and grins. 

“I’ll see you Wednesday,” Nate says, before leaning in to give Evan a kiss on the cheek.

“Definitely,” Evan answers, feeling the heat against his cheek where Nate’s lips had been.

He watches Nate make his way out before closing the door again, hitting his forehead against it once with a groan. 

Sunday, he reminds himself, just one week. He can definitely handle that. Definitely.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dream mentioned in this chapter was originally going to be the one that the real Nate wrote about in his book, 'One Bullet Away'. As I was writing it I had a very negative reaction to doing that with someone else's dream, so, after some time thinking it over I decided to write a new one that is meant to convey the same sort of feeling. So, if anyone has read OBA and notices the discrepancies, this is why.
> 
> Also, a conversation had here may appear a bit kink shaming, it's not meant to, it's just two characters attempting to talk through a kink they're both not into...awkwardly.

“Tell me what you like,” Nate breathes against his neck.

“H-hands,” Evan stutters out. “I like your hands.”

That makes Nate snicker and pull back to look down at him, fondly. It’s then that Evan realizes that Nate hadn’t meant for Evan to tell him what he likes about him, but the statement still stands. 

He can’t really be blamed for his train of thought, as for the past twenty minutes Evan has gotten to experience the quality of those hands. Nate’s hands are strong and sure, his fingers long and just a little bit rough, and every touch so far has sent shockwaves along Evan’s skin.

It had been a long week for Evan, even seeing Nate for an hour on Wednesday had not felt like enough, especially because Nate is not particularly comfortable with public displays of affection, so the most physical contact they’d had between them was when Evan had put his hand on Nate’s back for a moment, and when they had been saying goodbye and Nate had reached out to touch his arm.

Evan had spent the last couple days worrying that he’d blown it, that Nate would cool on his interest after Evan had stopped things from escalating the other night. Even though Nate had seemed eager to talk and had smiled bright and sweet most of their short date on Wednesday, Evan hadn’t been able to help but let his anxiety talk him into believing that when he got back Nate would let him know that they’d run their course, or just avoid him altogether.

Instead of that happening, when Evan had gotten back home he’d called Nate up to let him know and Nate had told him that he’d be over in an hour. Evan only had time to take a shower and unpack his bag before Nate was knocking on his door, holding a bottle of lube in one hand and a box of condoms in the other.

“I couldn’t come over empty-handed,” he’d joked. 

Evan had been a combination of amused and relieved and turned on which had made him completely incapable of forming words.

“I’m not trying to be presumptuous,” Nate had assured him. “We don’t have to do anything.”

With that, Evan had kissed him hard, allowing his relief and desire to fuel him.

Now, Nate has him on his back, spread out on his bed, murmuring things against his skin as his hands work to take him apart. 

After several minutes of being brought to the brink and back down again, Evan finally comes, gripping his sheets in one hand and digging his fingers into Nate’s arm with the other, as Nate has one hand around him, the other with three fingers driving into him, working him through it.

He kisses Evan rough and deep once he’s caught his breath and Evan holds onto him tight through the final aftershocks. 

Nate lets himself be rolled over after a moment – Evan knows he's letting it happen because when he’d tried earlier Nate hadn’t budged – and Evan leaves open-mouthed kisses as he moves down his body. 

The soft, restrained sounds Nate makes send goosebumps along Evan’s skin. It only takes a few minutes before Nate is squeezing his fingers against the back of Evan’s neck and nearly pitching forward as he lets out a broken curse.

Evan doesn’t stop until Nate lets out something close to a whine and turns his whole body away. He wipes the back of his hand across his lips before crawling back up to rest against Nate’s side.

They both lay in silence for a few minutes, only the sounds of their slightly labored breathing breaking it as Nate trails his fingers along Evan’s back.

When Evan feels his body wanting to start drifting off he shakes himself out of it and begins to talk instead.

“At the risk of sounding needy or ruining the moment, I just wanted to ask, are we…together?” Evan grimaces at his hesitance, he feels like he’s in high school again, trying to ask Tiffany Shaw to prom.

But Nate is decidedly not Tiffany Shaw, and instead of shrugging and saying “whatever”, Nate hugs him just a little bit closer and chuckles. 

“Are you asking if you’re my boyfriend?”

Evan groans. “I think I’m past the age where being called a boyfriend is acceptable.”

“I’m not calling you my man-friend,” Nate says seriously.

That makes Evan laugh, but it also reminds him of another point he's been meaning to discuss with Nate.

“Does…does the age thing bother you?” he asks, sitting up so that he can see Nate’s face for this conversation. Nate follows suit, resting against the headboard.

“That you’re 11 years older than me?” 

Evan grimaces, he knows the numbers, yet somehow hearing Nate say it makes another spike of shame run through him.

“Yeah, is that weird for you?”

Nate narrows his eyes and purses his lips, mulling over Evan’s question for a moment before shaking his head. “Not really, unless you start wanting me to call you ‘daddy’, then we’ll have a problem.”

Evan hides his face in his hands. “Please never call me that,” he mumbles into them.

“Agreed, just as long as you pay for my school and anything else I want, that’s all I’m expecting from this,” Nate says.

Evan quickly looks back up, scowling when he sees that Nate’s eyes are shining and how he’s failing miserably at hiding a smile. 

“Very funny,” he deadpans, and Nate can’t hold in his laughter anymore. “You know that’s what people are going to think, right?”

Nate settles down, still shaking a little from the aftershocks of his laughter, and shrugs. “Yeah, well that’s the case with a lot of things, who cares what random people think?”

“What about your family? I have a feeling your parents aren’t going to be thrilled when you bring home a 37-year-old Rolling Stone reporter who’s worked in the porn industry.”

“I think you severely overestimate the amount of time my parents are willing to think about my sex life. As for the Hustler thing…they probably just never need to know about that.” 

“Agreed.”

Nate sits back and just stares at him for a moment, a small grin on his face.

“What?” Evan finally asks when he starts to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

Nate shrugs. “Just thinking. I told you last week, I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend before, I’m kind of excited to see if I’m any good at it.”

Evan feels a warm sensation grow in his chest and he can’t help but shift forward, leaning in to kiss Nate hard. 

“I have total faith in you,” Evan says when he moves away.

Nate’s face lights up just a little bit more. 

“So, you really want to do this?” Evan can’t help but ask as he leans back. “Just you and me, exclusive, all of that?”

Nate’s eyes narrow a fraction. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Evan takes his hand. He doesn’t want to deter Nate, but he also doesn’t want him to feel trapped into doing anything. 

“Well you’re young and you’re attractive, and you just got out of the military. You…have a lot of options available to you,” Evan tries to explain his thought process.

Nate frowns. He flips Evan’s hold on his hand, so that his palm faces upward, then reaches down to take Evan’s wrist in his grasp instead. He tugs for a moment before Evan gets the hint and moves until he’s laying along Nate’s side, head on his shoulder and arm slung across his chest. Evan lays stiff for a few seconds before he begins to relax, folding himself against Nate more comfortably.

“I can’t decide which route I should go with this,” Nate finally says after a minute of silence.

“Hm?”

“I can’t decide if I should go the self-deprecating route, and tell you I don’t have nearly as many options as you think. Or if I should stroke your ego by pointing out that even with all my options, I’m still picking you.”

Evan laughs, hiding his face against Nate’s chest. 

“Sorry, I’m really not trying to sound so needy and insecure, that’s not who I am,” he promises. And it’s true, he’s never been quite so unsure when entering into a relationship before, but then, he thinks that maybe he’s also never been with someone he likes as much as Nate.

“You’re really not that bad,” Nate assures him. “But…”

“What?”

“Something you said last week, about me being perfect, I just want you to know I’m really not.”

Evan frowns. He knows that, even though ‘perfect’ is often the word that runs through his mind when he looks at Nate. Even still, Nate is a lot of amazing things, but Evan knows that he has his flaws. Instead of saying any of that though, he just says, “I know.”

“I just don’t want you to be disappointed later on down the line when you realize that I’m actually a frustrating person to be around sometimes.”

“That’s not going to happen,” he assures him, reaching down to take Nate’s hand again.

“I’m holding you to that,” Nate says.

“Good.”

Nate sighs but appears to let it go for now as he brings his other hand, the one not occupied by Evan’s grasp, to card through Evan’s hair.

“I just feel bad,” Evan says after a moment, wanting to lighten the mood. “You’re in a relationship with an older guy and you don’t even get the perks of a sugar daddy.”

Nate laughs, just like Evan had hoped he would, and tugs on his hair a bit in retaliation, either for calling himself old or for the lame joke, probably both.

“There's only two perks I want,” Nate says after a few seconds.

“What’s that?”

Nate brings his hand down to grip Evan’s chin, angling it up enough that Nate can bend down to kiss him soft for just a moment.

“That, and for you to cook for me sometimes.”

Evan smiles. “I can definitely do that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s the same as before, the same dream Nate used to get right after Iraq.

Knowing he’s in a dream doesn’t stop the distress he feels twisting through his nerve endings, panic creeping its way into his chest. 

He steps into the busy terminal of some generic airport, he’s never been able to determine which one it’s supposed to be. This time, he’s in his MOPP suit, fully geared up, and nobody can see him. 

People walk past without a second glance, despite the fact that he clearly stands out here. He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to be in Iraq, if his men are there without him, or if his family should be here welcoming him home. He has no idea why he’s here, or where he’s supposed to be. Nobody can hear him or see him, or maybe they just don’t want to.

“Nate?” 

He whirls around at the sound of Evan’s voice.

Their eyes meet across the way for just a moment before Nate wakes with a start, gasping for breath. 

He presses the palms of his hands to his eyes to stop the steady flow of tears that are spilling down the sides of his face, as he tries to slow his breathing.

Turning his head to the side he can see Evan fast asleep, mouth slightly open in a way that probably shouldn’t be as endearing as it is to Nate.

He takes a few deep breaths, attempting to make his racing heart slow back down, but the dream keeps rattling around in his head.

He hasn’t had this nightmare in months, maybe once since moving to Boston, but definitely not in the four weeks since Evan and he have been together. 

Evan being a part of his life now explains the new addition to his dream. He’s never known anyone in that dream airport before. Had Evan seen him, or had he just been calling his name? Not knowing the answer to that question creates a sharp ache in his chest, even though he knows it doesn’t actually mean anything.

He’s not sure if it’s seeing Evan in the dream or just the frustration of having it again after believing this was all over that is making him emotional. He’d thought he was past this, thought he’d gotten over any residual effects of Iraq in his brain. 

Whatever the case is, he knows he won’t be able to just lay in bed and hope his thoughts quiet soon enough to fall back asleep. So, he slowly rolls to the edge of the bed to stand, watching Evan’s face to make sure he’s not jostling him, before making his way out to the living room.

He paces around Evan’s couch for a few minutes, attempting to release some of the nervous energy that is thrumming beneath his skin. 

Once he feels like he can sit still, he makes some tea and pulls out some reading materials he’d brought over with him for his class.

He’s only able to sit and read, focusing on the words instead of his other thoughts, for as long as it takes the water to be ready before his mind drags him back to the dream.

This dream has already been analyzed at length, he’s sick of going over it again and again. Back when he used to get it almost once a week he’d spent more than enough time considering all the meanings behind it. Nate has never put much stock in dream analysis, but he’s also never had a recurring dream like this one before, and he can’t help but consider what it must be saying about whatever is going on in his brain. 

He shakes his head and sets his tea down, he doesn’t want to think about this anymore. He’d made his choice to leave the Corp, he wants to be able to move past all of it.

Deciding he needs to just fall asleep, he makes his way back into the living room and pushes aside the coffee table to give himself enough room. Doing pushups until he collapses is not something he’d ever wanted to have to do again, just to fall asleep, but it’s always worked for him in the past.

He’s only to 14 when he hears Evan’s voice.

“Nate?”

It’s so reminiscent of the dream that Nate nearly loses his footing. He rests back on his knees, sitting up to see Evan standing in the hallway.

“Hey, sorry, did I wake you up?” 

Evan shakes his head. “I was just getting up to get water. Are you okay?” he asks, making his way into the living room.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Because you’re doing push-ups in my living room at 3:30 in the morning,” Evan says, taking a seat on the couch next to where Nate is kneeling.

Nate chews on his lip for a moment as he contemplates what to say. He knows that if the roles were reversed he’d want Evan to tell him the truth, so he goes with that.

He rubs at his face before getting up to sit next to Evan on the couch.

“I just had a nightmare.”

Evan frowns. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s…it’s one I used to get right after Iraq,” he explains. “I haven’t had it for a while until tonight.”

“Do you think something happened? To bring it back, I mean.”

Nate shrugs. “You were in it this time.”

“What was I doing?”

“You just…said my name, and then I woke up. I’ve never known anyone in this dream before tonight.”

Evan nods, thinking on Nate’s words for a moment. “It’s probably because you’re around me so much now, more than you were probably around anyone else at the time you were originally having these. I’ve wormed my way into every other part of your life, it makes sense I’d try to invade your subconscious too. I’m needy like that.”

Nate laughs and leans in to kiss Evan’s cheek, taking his hand to lace their fingers together. 

“But, really, have you…talked to anyone about it?”

He nods. “Back in California. When I moved here I never got around to setting anything up, and I honestly thought it was all over. I’ve been doing a lot better, thought it’d run its course or something. I know that’s not how it works, but…”

Evan squeezes his hand. 

“You know there’s a weekly group meeting in the city for Vets,” he tells Nate.

“How do you know that?”

“Just…part of my research.”

Nate nods, though he’s pretty sure Evan is lying. Which can only mean that Nate hasn’t been nearly as good at hiding certain reactions and tendencies as he’d thought he was.

“I’m not…” Nate starts then sighs, brushing his thumb against Evan’s hand. “It’s not that bad for me. The people there are dealing with real trauma, that genuinely affects their lives. That’s not me.”

“I don’t think it’s a competition. It might be nice just to be able to talk about it and to listen to other people’s stories. Maybe feeling like you’re helping other people will help you,” Evan suggests. “Also, I hope you know, you can talk to me.”

Nate hesitates, the way he has every time a friend or family member has offered their ear to him. He just doesn’t know how to breach the gap between him and everyone else. Doesn’t know how to even begin explaining what Iraq had been like, let alone what had happened there. 

It’s then that he realizes Evan already knows. Evan had been there with him, he’s not a marine, but he’d seen it and experienced it right alongside him. 

Evan seems to be reading Nate’s mind as he doesn’t wait for him to respond before he speaks again. “I know the shit you went through over there, Nate, not the full extent by any means, but I saw. I saw the things you had to do, the calls you had to make, the egos you had to deal with just to keep your men alive. I’m not a substitute for a counselor or therapist or even those group meetings, but I really hope you can feel comfortable talking to me whenever you want. I mean, I got nightmares a few times after coming home too.”

“You did?” Nate asks, worried now.

“Sure, mostly gunfire, or Ray getting hit and everyone being ambushed. I had this one a couple times where I was a dog and Trombley kept trying to feed me Charms.”

Nate huffs out a short laugh before he wraps his arms around Evan.

“Thank you,” he says, leaning in to kiss him. “You’re right, I should go to those meetings, show some solidarity.”

“You could also try writing about it,” Evan says after a moment.

Nate rolls his eyes.

“I’m serious, you have all your journals, you even said you were thinking about writing a book.”

“That was a joke. Plus, someone else is already cornering the market on this particular story.”

“What I’m writing isn’t going to even be able to touch what your experiences have been. And it doesn’t just have to be about Iraq. I think this is more about you being a marine than anything else.”

He’s got a point. Most of Nate’s concerns aren’t about the calls he made an Iraq, but about the fading dream he’d once had, about what being a marine really is, it’s realizing that he did not have what it took to make it in the Marines. When he was younger, he’d thought the challenge would be in testing his physical capability, he knows now that the real problem is he did not have it in him to sacrifice his men’s lives, he’d been unable to look past their physical and mental health for what others deemed to be the greater good. He’s not ashamed of that fact, but it does mean that he was not cut out for the Corps, and that is something a little harder for him to swallow.

“Still,” Evan continues. “Even if it never turns into something you want to share, writing can be therapeutic. Maybe it’ll help you organize your thoughts about what you went through.”

Nate nods. “I’ll think about it.”

Evan leans back against the armrest, bringing Nate down to lay his head against Evan’s chest.

Without prompting, Nate begins explaining his dream, the loneliness, the uncertainty, the panic that arises when he realizes nobody can see him. 

He talks, trying to explain why such an innocuous dream feels so terrible. Evan runs a comforting hand up and down Nate’s back, and he listens.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about the rules or legality of certain disclaimers discussed in this chapter. If what is stated here is incorrect...shhhhhh <3

“Let me get this straight,” VJ says, once Nate has shared the news. “Four months ago, you call me crying about how some old dude wouldn’t stop asking you out, and now you’re moving in with the guy?”

Nate huffs and rolls his eyes. “Okay first, that’s not how it happened at all. Secondly, I know it’s fast, but I spend most of my time at Evan’s place anyway. It’s closer to the school, so I can just ride my bike there if I need to go in. Plus, shared rent is always nice.”

It’s true, there are definite perks to moving into Evan’s place, or ‘their place’ now. But it’s not just convenience that made Nate want to move. 

He’s begun hating going back to his own apartment, it’s always cold and empty, and there is a distinct lack of Evan there that makes Nate genuinely uncomfortable.

At Evan’s – their – place he feels much more at home. They’ve found a nice rhythm together, where they can sit in the same room for hours without talking, or provide input to whatever the other is working on or just a listening ear. It’s nice having someone who thinks like him, who understands his point of view and is actually interested in his thoughts and opinions. Evan doesn’t just nod and agree mindlessly when Nate begins to ramble, he never acts like he’s waiting for Nate to finish speaking. And Nate can truthfully say he feels the same way about Evan. He likes listening to Evan talk, likes hearing his thoughts and really enjoys Evan’s stories, of which there are many. They often have a tendency to stay up late into the night just talking. A fact that none of their friends ever believe is really what they get up to.

And then there is the other part, the part of their relationship Nate is less willing to share with others. Nate had never expected himself to be smitten by an overly romantic partner, and yet, Evan is almost embarrassingly romantic, and Nate happens to love every bit of it. It has nothing to do with grand gestures or expensive gifts, or unattainable promises. It’s his thoughtfulness – from bringing him food without Nate even having to tell him he’s forgotten to eat again to bringing home books or music or cheap things that ‘made me think of you’. It’s the way he’ll just stop in the middle what he’s doing to kiss Nate until he’s breathless – and then immediately go back to what he's doing again like he just couldn’t help himself from kissing him. Or, it’s the way he looks at Nate – like Nate has hung the moon and every star in the sky – it’s a look that makes Nate’s chest ache just to see it some days, not sure what he’s done to deserve to be looked at so fondly.

Evan looks at Nate like he’s something amazing, even when Nate is being decidedly _not_ amazing. 

They’d had their first real fight two months in, spurred on by Evan getting busier with the book and Nate being busy with school. The fight had been about nothing remarkable, just two tired, stressed out people trying to communicate, but Nate had thrown what his mother has always referred to as ‘one of his passive-aggressive fits’ until Evan had finally told him that he couldn’t talk to him when he’s acting like that. Nate had declared that Evan’s tendency to put him on a pedestal was the only reason he thought Nate was being difficult – even though Nate had known full well he was being difficult - and that Evan had no interest in seeing him as a normal, occasionally flawed human being. He’d stormed out and had refused to answer his phone the rest of the night. Once he had been done pouting and had allowed himself to start thinking rationally again, he’d gone back to Evan’s place and apologized. This time, they had been able to talk through their frustrations and work out a compromise, but Nate had been sure he’d seen the last of Evan looking at him in awe, that he had proven that he was not at all worthy of being the recipient of a look that devout. 

And yet, not a day goes by that Nate doesn’t catch Evan looking at him like he’s the most incredible person Evan’s ever met. Nate doesn’t know why Evan looks at him this way, but it makes him want to be better, to be the person worthy of that look.

“Fine, sure, school or whatever,” VJ continues on. “I think we’re breezing past the fact that I’m the one who told you to go on the date, I’m pretty sure that means I’m the whole reason you two got together. Does that mean I get to be the best man at your wedding?”

Nate rolls his eyes. “We’re just moving in together,” he reminds VJ.

“Yeah, and at the rate you two are going, you’ll be married in May. I’ll keep a lookout for the Save the Date.”

“Yeah, you do that.”

“Ya know, I never have gotten a thank you letter from Evan, so I have to assume that you never told him about your major freak out over the idea of eating dinner with him.”

If VJ were in front of him Nate is sure he’d have hit him by now. “He knows I was apprehensive, but no, I didn’t tell him that you dragged me kicking in screaming into the date, which I’m sure is what you think happened.”

“That’s the first thing I’m telling him when I finally meet him.”

Nate grins. “And when will that be, exactly?”

“I get back to the states at the end of February,” VJ tells him. “But I may need to wait a couple months, I don’t know that I want to brave the Northeast at the end of winter.”

“You really are pushing for that May wedding, huh? In case you forgot, despite that case, we don't actually have gay marriage here yet.”

VJ is silent for a moment and Nate is about to make a joke about not realizing how important weddings were to him when he finally speaks up again.

“So, how’s the book going?” VJ asks.

That makes Nate pause before he realizes he’s asking about Evan’s book, as there is no way he could know that Nate has decided to take Evan’s advice and write his own. It’s, as Evan had suggested, therapeutic thinking back on his time joining the Corps.

“It’s going well,” Nate tells him. “Evan’s working on edits now, he thinks it’ll be ready for print in May or June. I don’t really know how this all works. Sometimes it feels a lot like it’s just hurry up and wait.”

“Is he writing about you?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, the focus will mainly be on the guys in the Humvee he’d been in, but it’s on the unit for the most part. He also talked to some men that were in our sister unit, to kind of flesh out the story,” he explains.

“No, I mean…your relationship.”

“Oh…no, definitely not.”

They haven’t actually talked specifically about it, but he can’t imagine Evan would write anything like that. If nothing else, it’d completely weaken his credibility to indicate that he is in a relationship with the former lieutenant he’s been writing about. 

Nate worries at his lip for a moment, thinking about something Evan had been talking about just the other day. He’d been talking about transparency in reporting and the effects of biased reporting. This, along with his constant mention of needing to have all of his research airtight, so that when the inevitable blowback hits, he’ll be ready, makes Nate realize that Evan must have thought about this issue. 

He doesn’t think Evan would write anything about their relationship, especially not without consulting Nate first, and he can’t image he’d ever mention the one-sided crush he’d had throughout the invasion. But there is a definite possibility that Evan will need to make a note about the personal bias or even just an acknowledgment of the relationship in his author’s notes or something. 

Nate feels like he’s been punched in the gut realizing what that means. That he may very well be indirectly coming out to the world soon.

“You still there, man?” 

Nate blinks and focuses back on the phone call.

“Sorry, yeah, got distracted.”

“No problem, I better get going soon, have a couple more calls to make while I’m still in civilization. I’ll check in with you when I’m back home. Remember, if you start the wedding planning early, I’m best man.”

Nate rolls his eyes but smiles.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Evan asks later that night as they sit in his living room, working side by side like they normal.

Nate looks up from his book and frowns. “Yes, why?”

“You’ve been quiet tonight.”

“Just reading,” he reminds him, holding up his book.

Evan sighs and sets his papers down on the coffee table, turning more toward Nate on the couch.

“What’s going on?”

Nate frowns again, getting ready to insist that there’s nothing wrong when Evan reaches out to touch his hand.

“Please, Nate. If you don’t talk to me I can’t help.”

It’s something they’re working on, Nate not withdrawing or leaving when things aren’t going well. Nate has a tendency to take things in and internalize them, isolating himself. Evan has been trying to sell him on the merits of bouncing these issues off him, or another person in general, or even just not running away when things get hard. 

It’s how he’d first broached the subject of them living together. They’d been having another fight, small and insignificant as ever, when Nate had gone to storm out, as he’d done the two or three times in the past that they’ve fought, and Evan had stopped him and requested that Nate fume in the bedroom instead. He’d made the case that once they started living together Nate wouldn’t be able to just leave for the night, so they may as well get practice. Nate had been so taken aback by the idea that Evan had been thinking about them living together that most of his residual anger had melted away as he considered it.

It’s still something he’s working on, talking through an issue instead of just taking it on by himself, but he’s getting better.

“I guess…” Nate sighs, trying to think of the right words. “I was thinking earlier about what you’re planning to do, regarding our relationship, in your book.”

“Oh.” Evan’s eyes widen at that. “Of course, I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about that, I guess it keeps slipping my mind.”

He gets up from the couch and walks out of the room without another word. Nate watches him walk away, wondering if he’s supposed to follow.

Before he can get up though, Evan is back, holding another piece of paper in his hands.

“I’ve been working with the publisher’s lawyers on this because I want everything as above board as possible. Apparently, there’s not much of a precedent for this kind of thing, but they’ve advised that, if we are going to move in together, that a disclaimer in the author’s note is our best bet,” he tells Nate, sitting back down on the couch and handing him the piece of paper.

Nate looks down and reads.

_In an attempt to provide full transparency, I feel it is important to disclose that after the events of this book I entered into a personal relationship with former Marine Captain, Nathaniel Fick. Any opinions expressed are my own, but all facts and claims that have been made regarding Fick in this book have been corroborated from secondary, non-biased sources._

“We’re still working out the wording,” Evan says when Nate looks back up at him.

Nate nods, attempting to take in a subtle, deep breath.

“It’s a lot, I know.”

“I just…”

“They said that if we don’t move in together it’d be a lot harder for anyone to prove that we’re together,” Evan says, taking the disclaimer back from Nate, frowning down at the paper.

“What?”

Evan shrugs. “It most likely wouldn’t be a legal issue if I didn’t put this in. But…they said that if we decide not to use the disclaimer, then the smaller the paper trail that someone could use to verify that we are actually in a relationship the better, which would mean we probably shouldn’t live together.”

There’s a sharp pain in his chest at Evan’s words and Nate finds himself rubbing at it, as though he can somehow scrub it out.

“Even if we did all that and were fine legally there’s still the issue of ethics and your integrity as a journalist. You can’t tell me you’d ever feel comfortable with that,” Nate says, turning more toward Evan now.

Evan looks up at him, finally, and the weariness Nate can see in his eyes is answer enough.

“You can’t be discharged, but the Marines are still a part of your life. These people, your men, will read this and know. It isn’t my place to out you, Nate. That’s not what this story is about, it isn’t about you or me or us and no part of what I wrote about you is a lie to make you appear to be better than you were. It’s nobody’s business what our relationship is, unfortunately, that doesn’t stop everyone from thinking they’re entitled to it.”

Nate scratches at the material on the back of the couch for a minute, trying to think this through. It’s a complicated issue of ethics and morals and personal privacy, all issues that Nate would normally be interested in having a deep discussion about. But with all of that, there’s only one real thing that Nate is actually thinking about.

“I want to live with you,” he finally says.

Evan shoots him a small, rueful grin. “I know, I did too. I really messed up the timing with all of this. When I asked you out that day I hadn’t even been thinking of what it could mean for the book, I was mostly just stunned that you’d agreed. And that’s basically been my state of mind through this whole relationship. But now my poor planning is creating real consequences for you, and I’m sorry about that.”

“First of all, if I remember correctly, I’ve been just as complicit in this whole relationship as you,” Nate says, narrowing his eyes at Evan before moving in closer, putting his hands on either side of Evan’s neck so that he has to look straight at him. “Also, this isn’t a debate, I’m moving in here in two weeks. I want to live with you.”

Evan moves his hand up to hold onto Nate’s wrist as his eyebrows pinch together. 

“Nate, people that you care about-“

“Already know, and anyone who has a problem with it can stew in their homophobic hate or come talk to me about their issues in person,” Nate insists.

He knows there will be plenty of people who will see him completely differently after they find out that Nate is gay, but as he figures it, that’s their problem. He can’t deny the nervous fluttering in his stomach at the idea of some people – people like Whitmer and Marine and Colbert - that he respects and cares about, no longer feeling the same about him. But it’s not a fact about himself that is ever going to change, so there’s no use hiding it anymore. He has plenty of people in his life who love and support him already, his family, Mike and Ray from Bravo, Patrick and VJ, plenty of old and new friends. And he has Evan.

Nate presses in to kiss him for a few moments before pulling away to look Evan in the eye.

“You’re sure?” Evan asks, and while Nate knows he’s asking about the disclaimer he can’t help but feel like he’s also asking about them, asking if Nate is sure that what they have is real enough to sacrifice some personal comfort or a sense of security, if Nate thinks that Evan is worth any potential blowback he may take for this. 

It’s with these questions rattling in his head that Nate kisses him one more time before responding.

“I’m sure.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The coffee is already made by the time Evan gets up. He pours himself a cup and makes his way into the living room.

There’s a warmth that blooms in his chest as he takes in the organized chaos before him.

Nate is still in his pajamas – sweatpants and a soft T-shirt he’d stolen from Evan months ago – and he’s sitting on the floor surrounded by all the materials he needs – organized by type or section Evan would guess from looking at it - to put together the bookshelf he’d bought because Evan had been ‘bogarting all the space on the other one’. 

Evan had offered to help yesterday, which had been met with an almost panicked insistence that Evan not even touch the bookshelf until Nate is done putting it together. Nate has a system for everything, Nate is organized in a way that Evan will never be able to replicate and often times Evan’s disorganized nature causes Nate to do this thing with his face – his nose scrunches up, his lips get pulled into a tight line, and his eyes go all squinty - that never fails to make Evan laugh. 

He walks over to Nate, taking the small pathway Nate had made between all the parts he’s set out, to place a kiss on his head.

“Good morning,” Evan says, making his way back away from the giant project Nate has laid out for himself.

Nate doesn’t look away from the instruction manual that he’s reading, though he does tip his head to the side to distractedly kiss the air for a second, Evan appreciates the gesture.

He notices there’s an abandoned mug on the coffee table and sees that it’s mostly empty.

“Do you want more coffee?” he asks, picking up Nate’s mug.

“Hm?” Nate hums but doesn’t turn to him or seem to have registered more than Evan’s voice.

Evan shakes his head, amused by Nate’s focus, and goes to get him some more coffee. He has a feeling, due to the fact that Nate is still in pajamas, that Nate is going to be grumpy today without the aid of coffee.

Once he walks back into the living room he sees that Nate has finally set the instructions down and is beginning to put two pieces together. He turns when Evan walks in with his mug and his eyes light up.

“Thank you,” Nate says, reaching out for his coffee.

“Didn’t run this morning?” Evan asks, taking a seat on the couch to stay out of the way.

Nate shakes his head as he finishes taking a drink. “Still sore, I might go to the gym later though.”

Evan frowns in sympathy, Nate has been complaining of some pain in his Achilles tendon since they’d moved him in just a couple days ago. He’s sure it is just a result of Nate carrying boxes up and down stairs all day, but he also knows that the longer Nate goes without some form of physical activity, the crankier he gets.

“Well, I’m always here to help with cardio, whenever you need,” Evan offers.

Nate smirks before meeting his eyes with a heated gaze for just a few seconds, though it’s long enough to make Evan’s heartbeat pick up. 

“I can always count on you,” Nate says, turning back to his bookshelf.

“It’s my giving nature.”

Nate lets out a small, distracted snort of a laugh, but doesn’t verbally deny Evan’s claim.

They sit in companionable quiet – other than clacking of boards together and the scratching of the nails on the wood – for a while, Evan just enjoying his coffee and unabashedly watching Nate work. 

Almost every single day Evan finds himself distracted just watching Nate, a now familiar warmth settling in his chest as he does so. Nate’s not perfect by any means, but that’s often the word that comes to mind when Evan looks at him. He’d never tell Nate that, knowing how worried he gets that Evan holds him in too high a regard. But Evan doesn’t know how to put it into words – which is incredibly frustrating for him – that Nate, while flawed, is so much better than anyone Evan has ever met.

It’s not that Evan doesn’t see his flaws, of course, he does. Nate can’t cook anything past toast or microwavable foods – and even that can be sketchy at times -, he’s passive aggressive and has a proclivity for storming out of rooms when he’s upset, and he prefers to try to fix all of Evan’s problems instead of just listening to them. But all of that is easily outweighed by how kind and intelligent and passionate Nate is. He’s open-minded and eager to learn new things and take on new ideas, and Evan has never had someone in his life who he can talk to quite as well as he can talk to Nate. 

More than anything though, what makes Evan see perfect when he sees Nate is that every day Nate tries. There is not a day that goes by that Nate isn’t trying to better himself in some small way. Not in that he’s trying to fix himself, but in that he’s never satisfied with settling, never thinks anything he does should just be good enough, and never thinks of himself as more or better than anyone else. And in that constant, non-self-deprecating, acknowledgment of his own imperfections, and the continual effort to grow, to Evan, Nate is perfect.

Four months ago, when he’d met up with Nate in that coffee shop, he’d never have guessed that this is where they’d end up. Though, so far, that’s been most of their relationship. He’d never have guessed Nate would move in, he’d never have guessed that Nate would risk his reputation to be open about their relationship, he’d never have guessed that Nate would decide that Evan is the one he wants to be with, he’d never have guessed that Nate would be the one to call after their first date, hell, he hadn’t even really thought that Nate would have ever said yes when he’d asked him out in the first place.

Evan has plenty of things he regrets in his life, experiences that he wishes he’d taken a different path on. But he’ll always be thankful that for whatever reason, that day he’d been feeling brave, that he’d chosen a gamble over walking away, that he’d thought ‘fuck it’, and went for it.

“What are you smiling about?” Nate’s voice shakes him out of his thoughts.

Evan hadn’t realized he was smiling, but now that it’s been pointed out to him he can feel the stretch across his face as he looks down at Nate, who appears to have the base completed.

“You,” he answers honestly.

As expected, Nate shakes his head and goes back to working on his bookshelf, his ears turning Evan’s favorite shade of red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The case mentioned is Goodridge v. Dept. of Public Health ruling of Nov 2003. Gay marriage became legal in Massachusettes *May* of 2004.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
